Wednesday, June 30, 2010

the truth of now

So, honestly, I ask myself, ‘What has changed in the past day?’
Nothing. Absolutely nothing, outside of perception.
Yesterday I woke up as a man still in love with the man he planned on marrying. Today I woke up as a man in love with someone else’s boyfriend.
Yesterday I woke up feeling more normal than usual, but still void. Today I wake up in physical pain with no physical aliments.
Somehow, and I didn’t know this was even possible, but today, I feel weaker, more pathetic, and deserving of what happened. Why did I ever think he’d want to return to the mess I’ve become if I wasn’t even good enough for him the first time around?

Tomorrow, I’m gonna TRY to not talk about him. Blog about something else—probably something not real, at least not genuinely about where I am. I don’t feel I have the right to talk about him anymore. And, I’m only showing the patheticness more and more outwardly. I need to keep it in. At least as much as possible.

I pray he is happy and stays safe. I am still delusional and hope he remembers the love he thought he had for me, though I know that isn’t reality. I’m still thankful for every moment I was given. Beyond measure. I wouldn’t trade it, even to avoid the life I have now.

Though he slay me, I will trust him. And again, what other choice do I have?


Avenjer said...

Come on B, snap out of it. You're hung up on a guy that treated you and your heart like shit. And you still want him to come back and do more damage? You deserve better. Much better. I know it's rough going through this type of thing but, you've got to pick yourself up and get mad as hell and say "screw you jerk, you had your chance and ran. Now, I'm moving on with my life and I don't need you in it." I understand how you feel. The guy I fell for, literally, I changed who I was for this man, and it changed my whole life. But truthfully, I know I changed for myself. I don't regret how things turned out or my relationship with him. But in the end he was a vain selfish ass. And I couldn't see any of that at the time because I had "love goggles" on. Today, I see the relationship as it really was---one sided. And he was not "the One." Come on B. It's time for you too to take off your love goggles. And see that he isn't some god of love or angel from heaven--he's just a man. It's was a relationship that had it's time--but it's over. It's been over for months. It's time to restart your life before wallowing in it consumes you. Before you become Miss Havisham sitting with your moldy cake. You were on the right track a few weeks ago when you started putting "things" away. I think it's time to put even more things away--if not all of it away. Maybe paint the bedroom and buy new sheets. And then, grab your friends (because that's what their there for) and start going to those places again that you've been avoiding because you're afraid you might see him, or it reminds you of this or that. Yes, there are memories at those places but, those memories will haunt you forever if you don't start making new memories there. The sad ghost of relationship past is winning. Kick him in the ghostly nuts and take control. Do whatever you have to do to get yourself on track. I know I'm being a blunt bastard in writing this and I'm not perfect either. But I've had my relationships end and my friends have too. And no good can come from focusing on something that's over. And truthfully, let's say your jerk ex came crawling back to you and you picked up where you left off. You know what?---you'd torture yourself with doubt wondering "is he going to leave me again? Can I trust a single word that comes out of his mouth? Does he really mean it this time?" It would be an epic mess. And you don't need to go through that crap. You're still young, doing fine, still in shape, you're life isn't over and thankfully there are still plenty of fish in the sea. Go out this weekend B and have some fun. Flirt a little (you don't have to bring anybody home.) Just get yourself back in the game. You're a big strong man. Live damn it. Live! Take care :)

Brandon said...

Thank you for caring and being blunt. I agree with a lot of what you said, in fact I had already done some things before I read your comment. Things I never thought I'd do, but have to to 'move on.'
The only thing I can argue with, and I know you'll roll your eye, is the jerk part. The only thing he did wrong was leave. He was never a jerk, never once. Part of me wishes he had been, it would have been easier.
Either way. There is truth in what you say and I hope I can be strong. Thanks.