So, honestly, I ask myself, ‘What has changed in the past day?’
Nothing. Absolutely nothing, outside of perception.
Yesterday I woke up as a man still in love with the man he planned on marrying. Today I woke up as a man in love with someone else’s boyfriend.
Yesterday I woke up feeling more normal than usual, but still void. Today I wake up in physical pain with no physical aliments.
Somehow, and I didn’t know this was even possible, but today, I feel weaker, more pathetic, and deserving of what happened. Why did I ever think he’d want to return to the mess I’ve become if I wasn’t even good enough for him the first time around?
Tomorrow, I’m gonna TRY to not talk about him. Blog about something else—probably something not real, at least not genuinely about where I am. I don’t feel I have the right to talk about him anymore. And, I’m only showing the patheticness more and more outwardly. I need to keep it in. At least as much as possible.
I pray he is happy and stays safe. I am still delusional and hope he remembers the love he thought he had for me, though I know that isn’t reality. I’m still thankful for every moment I was given. Beyond measure. I wouldn’t trade it, even to avoid the life I have now.
Though he slay me, I will trust him. And again, what other choice do I have?
Black Coffee Tables
2 years ago