Tuesday, June 29, 2010

more. somehow there's still more

Today I actually, thought, wow, I’m kinda happy. Not like bouncing off the walls happy, but still. Not miserable. Not simply surviving. It was the first time I’d thought that.

Right before a massage client (stupid timing), I was on facebook and Chad’s picture came up, which I hate when it happens. I logged off. I never look at his profile, even seeing his picture hurts too much. Something came over me and I logged back on, knowing what I’d see. His profile said he is in a relationship. Even knowing what I’d see, I had to look twice. The guy’s very cute. Very cute. Embarrassingly cute. His profile talked about how much he loves Chad.

I know I’m a fool, but part of me really thought this day wouldn’t come. It was one thing that Chad likes his life better without me when he is on his own. But, that’s not true. He likes his life better with someone else. He says, “I love you” to someone else. The man I thought I’d marry, the man I still fucking love, loves someone else.

So much for the whole, “I need time to grow up. I need to find myself. If I could love anyone it would be you.” Well, obviously not. And I’m even more of a fool for even thinking that could be possible. Now, I’m just someone he can pass off as someone he dated for a couple years who was really sweet, but didn’t make him happy.

I hadn’t even figured out how to move on or live ‘normal’ when the man I planned to marry wasn’t with me any more. How do I do it now that he’s with someone else.

I am so tired of crying over him and hurting over him. It’s enough already. It’s fucking enough. Somebody please just turn it off. Turn me off.

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