I was able to tap into some anger yesterday. Forced, but still. It actually did help. Of course, the rational side of me fights against that, so that is not there enough today, sadly. And my natural ‘slow to wrath’ nature and my feelings for him as well don’t help.
An interesting thing in all of this, from the very beginning of him leaving are what people say. I’ve always had an issue with that—the shit people say. It’s what makes me a good listener, I think. I typically am also slow to give advice or say ‘comforting words.’ I typically just listen. The things people said when I lost my grandmother and cousin Gabe (and other people) in an attempt to be comforting and Christian were asinine, insulting, and were an attempt to take away the pain by unintentionally belittling the pain.
People keep saying similar things about my pain over the past year and a half. The crazy thing, though, is this. The most similar things people say are to what people in the church and the vast majority of Christians told me when I was in therapy to not be gay for all those years. You need to pray more. You’re not turning it over to God. Your faith isn’t strong enough. Ask God to take it away. Just make up your mind that you’re not gay. Make up your mind that it’s not who you are. All typical churchy answers, not surprising. The surprising thing is that I’ve been hearing those things about this situation, the entire time, but even more so lately. And, it’s not ‘Christians’ that are saying them. It’s gay people. Turn this over to God. You need to pray about this. Make up your mind that you’re over him. Pray for God to heal your pain.
A dear friend was saying such things to me (and this isn’t just one person say these things and it’s not just Christian gay people saying these things), and I just starting laughing in the middle of my tears. I told him he sounded just like what I was told during my sexual re-orientation years—which is the last thing this person would want. These aren’t things I expected to hear from non-churchy people. Just goes to show that people are people no matter where they are or how different they believe their perspective is. It also shows how much ‘trust’ we put in God still—in our ‘godless’ society.
Maybe if I didn’t have my past, I’d be able to hold onto these suggestions, but I just can’t. They fall on deaf ears. They are like confetti in a windstorm—pretty little ideas that affect nothing. While I still don’t know who God is. I know He isn’t a genie and that he either won’t (grrrr) or can’t take away my pain or my emotions and heart. And, I also know that either people are delusional or I have a much weaker constitution and mind than most. I wasn’t able to just stop being gay because I decided to. I also can’t stop loving or hurting just because I make up my mind. I think I am weaker in this area, because a lot of people I know seem to be able to do that.
Hearing these things doesn’t make me angry any more. Well, they do a bit, but nothing like they did before. I find it rather fascinating, and a little sad that there’s nothing new to offer me in either culture. Of course, that’s me still wishing for a magic wand that will either take all my pain away or change the situation.