Friday, July 02, 2010


I was able to tap into some anger yesterday. Forced, but still. It actually did help. Of course, the rational side of me fights against that, so that is not there enough today, sadly. And my natural ‘slow to wrath’ nature and my feelings for him as well don’t help.

An interesting thing in all of this, from the very beginning of him leaving are what people say. I’ve always had an issue with that—the shit people say. It’s what makes me a good listener, I think. I typically am also slow to give advice or say ‘comforting words.’ I typically just listen. The things people said when I lost my grandmother and cousin Gabe (and other people) in an attempt to be comforting and Christian were asinine, insulting, and were an attempt to take away the pain by unintentionally belittling the pain.

People keep saying similar things about my pain over the past year and a half. The crazy thing, though, is this. The most similar things people say are to what people in the church and the vast majority of Christians told me when I was in therapy to not be gay for all those years. You need to pray more. You’re not turning it over to God. Your faith isn’t strong enough. Ask God to take it away. Just make up your mind that you’re not gay. Make up your mind that it’s not who you are. All typical churchy answers, not surprising. The surprising thing is that I’ve been hearing those things about this situation, the entire time, but even more so lately. And, it’s not ‘Christians’ that are saying them. It’s gay people. Turn this over to God. You need to pray about this. Make up your mind that you’re over him. Pray for God to heal your pain.

A dear friend was saying such things to me (and this isn’t just one person say these things and it’s not just Christian gay people saying these things), and I just starting laughing in the middle of my tears. I told him he sounded just like what I was told during my sexual re-orientation years—which is the last thing this person would want. These aren’t things I expected to hear from non-churchy people. Just goes to show that people are people no matter where they are or how different they believe their perspective is. It also shows how much ‘trust’ we put in God still—in our ‘godless’ society.

Maybe if I didn’t have my past, I’d be able to hold onto these suggestions, but I just can’t. They fall on deaf ears. They are like confetti in a windstorm—pretty little ideas that affect nothing. While I still don’t know who God is. I know He isn’t a genie and that he either won’t (grrrr) or can’t take away my pain or my emotions and heart. And, I also know that either people are delusional or I have a much weaker constitution and mind than most. I wasn’t able to just stop being gay because I decided to. I also can’t stop loving or hurting just because I make up my mind. I think I am weaker in this area, because a lot of people I know seem to be able to do that.

Hearing these things doesn’t make me angry any more. Well, they do a bit, but nothing like they did before. I find it rather fascinating, and a little sad that there’s nothing new to offer me in either culture. Of course, that’s me still wishing for a magic wand that will either take all my pain away or change the situation.

1 comment:

Avenjer said...

Hey B. I tried to leave a comment last night but it looks like blogger goofed and ate it. Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm so glad you took some steps (on your own, before my previous comment!) to move forward and take back control of your life. I knew you could do it :) I'm sure it was rough putting the last of the things from "he who shall not be named" away. But, you can pull them out later when you're in a better place and can handle it without the damage. You must always protect your own heart from needless emotional pain, these things were triggers for that. And you had been experiencing the effects for months. They had to go, for now. The physical changes around the house will help to change your mental outlook, which will help you move forward. Yes, you can't switch him off completely--no magic will but, you can muffle him, which allows for new experiences, new adventures and new men to enter into your life. And you'll discover that there is a better life ahead. Also, you're news about going to a relationship site was great to hear. To me, that means you're starting to think about your needs again, and not his. You now know he (for the majority of this break up) has ONLY been thinking of his needs, NOT yours. You already admitted he didn't do the work needed in the relationship, and come on B, he wasn't 100% honest with you about what he wanted. He could have told you months in advance that he had some issues(I take his silence on that as him not wanting do the work again to save the relationship or to give you the chance to.) He wanted the easy way out. And gave you the old "I need to find myself, I've been to paradise but I've never been to me" BS line that let's him off the hook without ever having to answer for his actions or his inactions. And leaves you confused and left with doubt, and ultimatly holding the emotional bag. I want to clear something up with you (and I can't speak for the advice of your friends but) when I was saying to "get angry" I wanted it not so much for you to be angry at him, just from that anger to realize how much he hurt and devalued you. And pissed all over your relationship. And for you to use those feelings to light a fire under you own ass to discover again your own self worth. To see that you're not someone's emotional doormat---you have value, you have feelings of your own, dreams of your own, that you matter and to find your self esteem again. And to use that as a motovation towards positive and constructive efforts to taking back control of your life. And not letting the situation control you. I had to be blunt because you had been doing it "your way" for months and it just didn't seem to be working. And maybe your friends are too close to say what was needed or maybe didn't know how to say it. Either way, my comments aside, you took action on your own. And I'm proud of you for that. And you just have to keep that up. And keep moving forward. You're going to be more than ok again B. Yes, you'll have to kiss a few frogs again before you'll find your prince. Just make sure you don't compare them to your ex, and give the new guys a fair chance to win your affection by being themselves. Plus putting his things away helps because the new guys aren't going to want to see his picture/items all over your house. Anyway, that's enough of my blathering. You don't need anymore of my advice. But feel free to email me whenever. And pass along that relationship website to me when you can, let me know how that goes. I might be interested in giving it a try myself. Take care :)