Saturday, July 17, 2010

i didn't even go dancing

I am getting myself in quite a mess. And, I’m not even sure why. I spent almost all day yesterday out of the house. I thought that would help me get back on schedule. Not so much. I went to bed at two and was wide-awake. Got up a little while later, realized as I wiped my eyes that I’d been crying. Hadn’t even realized it. Went back to bed around 5:30 or so. Whatever time it was, the sun was already making my room light. Got up again two hours later and moved to the couch with Dunkyn and ‘slept’ till eleven. Today, I’ve been obsessive and depressive. Shocking. And mad. I am soooo mad at him. So mad.
Whatever is going on, I’ve got to get a hold of it. I don’t do well when I sleep in. I hate sleeping in and napping. I need the sun. I’m also a creature of habit, and I don’t function normally when I’m acting out of character. And these hours are for sure making me act out of character. Doing things I normally wouldn’t. Not to mention, school is getting ready to start. Oh, it must have been six this morning, because I remember looking at the clock thinking, in a couple weeks, I’ll be getting up for work right now. Goodness.
All this positivism and cheerfulness flows well into the next topic. My blog finally hit over 100 people today. Not all together, but 100 views in one day. I’ve been close before, but didn’t really think that would happen. It’s been like that all week. Most of the time, I’d say I average fifteen to twenty views a day. This week has been between sixty and ninety all week—until today. One hundred and eight so far. My guess? Someone logged on to the blog, and started reading a book using their keyboard to prop it up. The book is now resting on the refresh button, shooting my blog’s attendance record through the roof. Thank you, book. Thank you for validating my whining. You’re probably a self-help book, huh?
On an up note, I have another date on Friday. Someone new. Again, not someone I think is probably an option for a relationship, but still. It will be nice to go to a movie and hold hands. He just asked me about half an hour ago, and that helped lift the heaviness of the day for a bit. Also, getting to be with MD tonight, and she is like every anti-depressant pill ever made, minus the side effects.
The other thing I am looking forward to at the end of the week is my nephew’s first birthday. His daddy, ever since he was little, has had the same birthday cake every year. A dome shaped Teepee in the middle and then eight little dome shaped cakes decked out like cowboys and Indians. He’s had it about every year. I had it twice. Once, a Castle and princes and princesses (go figure) and once as the three little pigs story. To get the cakes done is over two-hundred dollars. We no longer have cake spending money, so. . . why have a gay man in the family if you can’t use him properly? We have decided my brother can forgo his cakes and pass the tradition on to his son. So, this year, Gavin’s theme will be a jungle cake in the middle (thinking a dome shaped forest looking thing with a river…) and eight dome shaped safari like animal cakes (he has lots of jungle animal thing—very big in baby stuff this year)—a snake, lion, parrot, alligator, monkey, giraffe, hippo, and an elephant. I am so excited to try to make these and terrified at the same time. I used to bake cakes all the time, but it’s been at least four years since I have, and I’ve never tried to decorate to look like things. I hope I can pull it off. I have all different kind of themes in mind for his other birthdays: Oceans (mermaid anyone?), space, monsters, barnyard, all the family members (what a hoot that would be), etc. My brother and I think it would also be fun to do a Desperate Housewives and a Buffy the Vampire one—but not for Gavin. At least not yet… I swear, I never knew I could love a kid so much. Even one of my own, I didn’t think I’d feel like this. I hate to think I’d be capable of more if I had my own.


Avenjer said...

Hey B, it sounds like you're recovering quickly from the surgery. That's good. Don't worry about the food eating, it's fine, that's what you do after surgery. Drop dead diva, I've been meaning to check out (I reccomend Ugly Betty too---or maybe I relate to it because the-over-the-top-work-drama is so similar to my office and romantic mishaps. But if you like Desperate housewives--then you'll like Betty.) Dating some pretty boys I read...well, well, well :) Mmmm hmmm. Keep it up. Now, my question for this much water do you drink? Because the amount of tears that flow from you daily seems to be staggering. Seriously, two or three gallons a day it seems. Is this just from "he who shall not be named" or (more likely) you just always being sweet and sensitive, and every emotion just comes out through your eyeballs? You know, tears when happy, tears over important things, tears over silly things, tears when grocery shopping, tears when doing taxes. Tears tears tears. There just seems to be a lot of it. Which is fine because I think it's all coming from a place of honesty (and heart) within you. But I'm worried you're going to be dehydrated or walking around in a drenched state, looking like you're in a wet tshirt contest. But a wet tee would get you a lot of guy attention so, that might be a good thing. :) I'm just teasing you B. You're going through stuff (as you well know) and the tears are totally fine. I just spent about 4 hours today with a friend crying on my shoulder (via the telephone) over his break up which happened last night. So you're not the only one with tears flowing. The short version involves his 2 month new ex lying, with hidden multiple drug abuse, a tramatizing trip with him in a drugged state to the emergency room last night, where there were revalations of cheating at hidden sex parties, oh and him being HIV positive and trying to push my friend into unprotected sex. Needless to say my friend was hurt, humiliated, disgusted and down. My friend is no fool. He has multiple degrees and his life in order, and is always doing the detective work in a relationship because he's been burned by men before. But with all his hard work this guy (who looks good on paper and so smart---in the bad way) totally played my friend. Anyway, the point is, it's tough out there for all of us, and sometimes over our best efforts, we get blindsided. Which is followed by the tears. But my friend (and you, and me too) will eventually meet a man who makes us cry only tears of love. So don't worry about it, give the puppies a squeeze, and keep yourself busy and moving forward. So much has changed in a month. Things with the blog hits and the book, and the new guys all seem to be moving in the right direction for you now. Keep it up and keep me posted :)

Brandon said...

Oh, Avenjer, you make me laugh. Too funny. Actually, I drink a ton of water. Waiters hate me. As far as crying, unfortunately (unless I'm at a movie--cry really easily in movies, or books) the tears are from 'he who shall not be named.' Although I wish I could brag that they aren't. That does sound pretty cool, like was dating Voldermort. Well, sortta, snake face isn't too hot.
I'm so sorry about your friend. That's how my first relationship was. Looking back, I realized I even drove him to drug deals and cheating things. Had no clue. None. I hope your friend is okay and can recover quickly.
As always, thanks for your kindness and concern. :)