So, I’m sitting at my coffee shop, and a few minutes ago, this cute girl and cute guy come up and sit at the table close to mine. He’s got that suffer looking going on, and I don’t think twice about if he is straight or not. Most guys here I just assume are gay, but I don’t think about it really. They were discussing the new iPhone. So, I was eavesdropping. Not that I need an excuse to do that. After a few minutes, cute boy gets up to get some napkins or something. When he comes back, he sits and looks at the girl quizzically. “So, is this like a gay place or something?”
“Oh, yeah,” says girl, “we are in the gay neighborhood. That King Soopers over there is called Queen Soopers—it’s a gay grocery store.”
“Huh,” the boy shrugs. That’s cool. It’s not like I mind.”
They sip their drinks and their conversation lulls.
The girl looks at boy. “You wanna go back to my place and drink them there?”
He nods nonchalantly. “Yeah. Let’s do.”
Quickly, they exit stage left.
I absolutely died laughing. It was perfect. Then I took a look around the coffee shop. There’s not anyone overtly flaming or anything. No gay ass-pounding sex happening on the cappuccino machine. Just men everywhere, mostly at their own tables working on things, and a few split up in pairs chatting quietly. Two or three women here or there. It was like those moments on tv where the uber-masculine hero of the hour walks into a bar and orders a drink. As he sips the beer (of course it’s beer—what else would he drink?), he glances to his left. Huh, all men. To his right. Are those men dancing together? OMG! (or the straight version of that!) I’m in a gay bar. Danger, Will Robinson, Danger! He flees to the nearest female reproductive organ he can find to deposit his insurance into the I’m-a-straight-verile-hetrosexual-male-damnit receptacle. Sigh, straight boys! Always good for a laugh.
I am struggling with keeping my thoughts in-check today. Maybe that is my biggest hurdle. How many times in an hour can I make myself stop and force myself to think about something else? Exhausting, and today, totally ineffective.
So the two internet dating sights I joined are One Good Love and EHarmony’s Compatible Partners (which I didn’t want to join because they were forced to include gay people and 1. It’s their business, they should be able to run it however the fuck they want, and 2. They didn’t want my money to begin with, so fuck them). Against my own morals, I was most hopefully about Compatible Partners. Their screening really does seem the best and the exhaustive questioning is so thorough it makes me trust it. Of course, due to all of that, I had exactly one person in their entire database that was compatible with me. One Good Love had three! One and Three! How’s that for not much hope. However, the one on Compatible Partners seems pretty amazing, and we really do match up.
I still feel funny about joining sites like these given where I am and how I feel about things. However, if nothing else, it is an effort to force myself to change, force myself to live, force myself to think of me sans him and try to put out into the world my hope (forced or not). Same as my writing. I can’t simply wait for a magical miracle to happen. Even if nothing comes from it, at least I am trying to take some ownership in changing my depression, my heartbreak, and forming the life I hope I still have a chance for…