reactionary

Last night was a big night for me, and a little bit of today. Last night, after seeing ‘Knight and Day’ with my brother (total cheese—total great cheese—actually had me laughing, which was not a little task last night), I took some leaps. Right or wrong. I deleted him as a friend on Facebook and Connexion. Not because I’m mad or want to hurt him, but simply because it hurts so much to see his face randomly when I’m not expecting it. Often I don’t scroll down on my homepages because of the chance I’ll see him. Time for that to stop. It was really hard to do. I don’t want him to be hurt or think I don’t love him or that I wouldn’t be there in an instant if he needed me, and I didn’t want to do something that looked weak and pathetic—like I couldn’t handle having him on my list, but I can’t so… Then this morning, I took down the pictures of us on the picture wall in the BBQ room and threw away all the meat his mom (who I love) had butchered for us. I know that seems retarded, frozen meat taking up a fourth of my freezer for over a year, but he didn’t want to take it from me and I couldn’t use it without him. I have one more thing to get rid of, or put away. And it will be the hard. Actually, I hadn’t decided until this very moment. It is this old-fashioned silver/pewter salt holder (not shaker) with mermaids that he got me for our last Christmas. I love it. Both because I simply love IT and because he had taken such care and effort to both pick it out and get it. I will put in the shoebox of the designer boots he got me for another Christmas.

I’ve had several people either wish anger for me (that I will get really mad) or be really mad at him. That’s not rational. The only thing he did wrong was not protecting his love for me, he didn’t do all the work he needed to make sure we would last. I have only seen a couple other couples that actually do that, so I can’t fault him for it. However, I do wish I could get truly angry. However, that’s not who I am, and it’s not what he deserves. The one thing I am doing better on this morning is shutting it off. I’d been doing it really, really well the past several weeks, but this new revelation shattered that. When my brain starts to go there, wondering what he now says about us, how he explains us, if I cross his mind at all, yada, yada, yada, I have to simply close my mind. LOL—simple my ass.

So, steps, right? I’ve got to quit worrying about his feelings. He loves someone else. I can’t hurt him anyway. I’ve got to quit hoping he’ll remember his love for me. I’m less clear on how to do that, but I know he never will.

The other thing I did last night, totally on a whim, a crazy, crazy whim, was going a gay relationship site, for people who are wanting marriage, kids, etc. I’m not expecting a boyfriend out of it, but I do want to see if there really are people out there searching for what I am and have the same outlook on life, love, drugs, family, etc. Lots say they are looking for that (been there) but in truth, they aren’t. So, I’m curious. And, while I’m not looking for a replacement, there can’t be one, but as a sweet reader pointed out this morning, I need to live. Live! Funny that I did this last night only to get his message this morning—this probably isn’t what he meant by live, but whatever. One of the things I want the very most out of life is a family of my own. Not just kids, but a husband and a father (for our kids, not for me). So, for me that is an attempt to live again, or at least a good faith effort to try. You have to swim for the life raft, not wait for the waves to bring it to your lazy drowning ass, right? Just like with always wanting to be a published writer. I kept dreaming it would happen and then realized it would never happen if I didn’t write, if I didn’t try. Well, this is the same thing. I want love and family. Since he will never return, I want to get over him. So, I have to try. And while I don’t truly believe I will love like that again, I never believed I could experience I what I had with him. So, maybe I’m wrong this time too. I hope so.

If nothing else, at least today I can say I’m making an attempt. I may not be hurting any less, and I may not be doing what everyone thinks I should in the way they think I should, but I am doing something. Causing some movement. Trying to throw a rock into the pond. Create ripples in the water. Change the course of momentum. Whether in the physical, actual world, or only in my own mind. At least it’s something.