Tuesday, July 27, 2010

lessons that should have been learned long ago

It’s one of those days where it took everything in me to not stay at home on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, watching tv, and cuddling with the dogs. At some point, I may return to do just that. No, I’m not almost in tears or anything, just want to hibernate. Partly due to circumstances, partly due to my own choices that I now have to sit with and wait.
I’ve really been struggling with this learning-to-live thing. In so many ways, I feel like I am old, done, used up. In others, I feel like I’m trying to start all over and making mistakes that are stupid, reckless, and rather brainless. In trying to be open and not limiting myself to simply what I know and am comfortable with, I am coating my hands with gasoline and hoping not to get burnt. I’m not sure the results, consequences, or the end of the story. Right now, I’m not even clear on which step to take or how to feel. Intense fear, guilt, and anger have been the over-riding emotions of the past day and a half. Even if I don’t end up cuddling in blankets with the puppies for weeks on end, I think that is exactly what my mind may needs—if not literally, than at least figuratively.

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