There are so many directions I want/need to go today, I don’t even know where to start, I’m also desperate to work on the book, but I have a hard time focusing without my ritual vomiting exercise.
Yesterday was another all-over-the-place emotional day. Good and bad. More good than bad.
Two of my dearest married friends moved back from Kentucky and I helped them with part of the moving process. One of their daughters I hadn’t seen for three years and the other I’d never met. That’s always fun. The oldest gave me a huge hug and kiss when I left. The mom said she never does that. Smart girl, right? The dad is one of my best straight male friends. I really only have three, all with two kids. Kinda strange, only one of them has a boy and girl, the others have all girls. This particular man has a special place in my heart. I helped train him when he starting working at the residential treatment center. I’d first met him at the marriage of P&CRL. Years later, we lived together as well. Later, while I was still in therapy, my therapist wanted me to find a man that could be my ‘male mentor.’ One I could do ‘guy’ things with. One that could show me how to be a straight man. I chose ZK. His wife didn’t really like the idea—she supported the entirety of who I am long before I did. ZK said he would do it because he loved me and wanted me to be happy, whatever form that took. My therapist didn’t really like that I chose him. We are pretty much the same age. I’m a little older, and he was more of a friend. I could see his point. However, there was no one else I’d feel safe with or trust that they would do it out of love, not out of obligation, pity, or ‘good-deeds.’ So, we’d go do things that we normally wouldn’t together. Frisbee golf and other such ‘manly’ things. We’d have lunch (not unusual), but we’d talk about what it was to be a man. To be a man of God. Talk about my goals and what I needed to work on. Talk about how he faces life. As silly as the exercise seems now, as will almost all my therapy, good came out of it. I did become more comfortable just being with men, and seeing myself as a viable man. And in a world where I don’t see examples relationships I want (besides P&CRL), everything I see and feel from Z&CK shows a family that I could feel wonderful about. Not perfect, but real. Real. Loving. Committed. All that to say, I am thrilled they are home. Plus, it’s always nice to not seem someone for three years and then fall back into your relationship right where you left off, no awkwardness needed.
In the evening I went to see ‘Inception.’ It was rather brilliant. And, as everything else, dealt a lot with love and loss. Of course, I could make ‘The Little Engine That Could’ into love and loss. The movie, as does everything, triggered my, well, my triggers. The end of the night was filled with angry and sad tears from both my friend and myself. On one hand, it’s hard to share this particular pain with someone who has the same pain. I want to believe I hurt more, loved him more. As if the pain validates the love and the loss. However, my friend knows exactly my pain (pretty much) because he lives in the same torment—and I’m not using that word lightly this time. As much as I want what I felt for him to be something only he and I could experience, I guess it isn’t, and it does help to know others go through the same thing. That well all are hanging on these so very fragile threads and need each other to continue to choose to cling to them.
Right before bed I got a call the shot my emotions soaring back upwards. A phone call the gave me so much more hope for the life and love of those who’s life isn’t mine, but who have chosen to walk along side. I pray this long journey for them has such a different ending than my own.
Black Coffee Tables
2 years ago