Monday, July 12, 2010

right now

The date went very well last night. It was nice. Obviously, it can’t lead anywhere since New York isn’t actually that close to Denver (who knew?), but it was still sweet and nice. I’m glad I did it.
Today has been difficult. Haven’t been able to control my mind very well. There are three possibilities for this—not that you have to pick one. First, the date last night. Second, I forgot to take my half-a-pill this morning (I really have found it helps me not obsess to such a scary degree. Third, starting tomorrow and for the next bit, I am going through something unpleasant. I’ve only been through it once and that was with him, and he actually made it fun, as much as he could. This time, I am dependant completely on friends. Which I hate having to do. And, believe it or not, I am keeping this event private. You didn’t know I could keep a secret about myself did you? All those could be contributing factors to my already fragile grip on mental and emotional control.
My brother had surgery today for hernia. Everything is okay, but due to my stuff tomorrow, I won’t be there for my family as much as I normally am and as much as I should. Timing, timing, timing.
I figured up how many days left of summer I have. I thought I had double booked some things (doing so this week made me give a massage for only thirty bucks today—not enough for that amount of work!), so I panicked. Turned out, I didn’t double book, but the count down is on. When school rolled around last year, I was mostly ready to go back. Sure, I would have taken more time if they’d let me, but I didn’t mind. Maybe things will change, but right now, they will have to pull me back kicking and screaming. Not that I don’t miss the kids (sickeningly, I do), I just don’t feel like I’ve used my summer very well. That whole guilty thing for doing massages to afford food and movies (let’s be honest) and spending time with friends, instead of busting my ass for my writing. It seems that no matter what the issue, guilt has been bred in me enough that it ain’t going nowhere anytime soon. If ever.
Okay, something good. Something good. Or at least interesting…..
Oh, okay. Something disturbing. You may not actually want to read this. I’ve been wanting to blog about this since it happened. I can’t really give it that attention it deserves, but here it is now anyway. Not really sure what my goal is in sharing—maybe, like everything else, just to shove my shit away from me and onto you.
On the fourth of July, it was pouring rain and had a thunderstorm nearly worthy of Missouri (one of the few things I miss) as everyone gathered to watch the fireworks. As we were returning from one of our trips to sit in the van to avoid the torrent (plus, they kept making people go to their cars for safety), I saw a young man in this wheelchair contraption. It was designed so that it angled backwards to make a bedlike apparatus and rose in the air to about chest level, nearly five feet or so (not my chest level). His family was packing everyone into their van, choosing to leave instead of continuing to battle nature.
The entire things was in slow-motion, I swear. The father was packing some stuff in the back. I’m not sure if his hip hit it, if it was the weather, or just one of those things. Whatever it was, the top part of this contraption came off with the young man strapped into it. It tipped off its pedestal, flipped, and smashed into the concrete of the parking lot. The young man hit face first and the part he was strapped to came down on top of him. The father began cursing in terror, and in an act of superhuman strength (this wasn’t a little boy) picked the entire thing up and flipped his son over correctly without a second’s worth of effort. The boy seemed fine, I couldn’t see blood, but I can’t imagine there wasn’t. It was one of those things where everyone went running to them, to the point of nearly being a hindrance. I didn’t. I wasn’t needed. It was one of the worst things I have seen in a real time. Maybe in my whole life. As with everything lately, I only have two emotions left. Instantly tears sprang in my eyes (as they are right now) and I got angry (as I am now).
Actually, I’m angry enough that I’m not going to continue on at the moment. I’ll say things that might go too far. As I said, not sure why I shared that, but still.

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