Today has been easier that I thought it would be. I’m not going to go into specific detail, but I will more than I planned to. I had to have a surgery today. I had it three years ago when he and I were still together. I didn’t tell my folks, I didn’t tell most of my friends. I still wasn’t planning on telling my folks this time either. However… after my brother’s surgery yesterday, my folks couldn’t figure out why I was avoiding committing to joining on family stuff we would do for my brother (he knew). I knew mom was thinking I was upset and I knew they were both worried. In the long run, I decided it was being more selfish of me to not tell them than to just bite the bullet and get it over with. So, I called late last night and we had a little chat. Everything is fine, of course, and all the cards are on the table.
I had a really hard time sleeping last night and a really hard time keeping it together this morning. Partially worried about the surgery, but more thinking of where my life was when this happened last time. My folks, when they found out, really wanted to take me and wait in the hospital, etc. etc. I don’t like being waited on or feeling like I’m being taken care of (when it makes me feel incapable, at any rate). In addition, and more important, while I couldn’t have things be like last time, I needed to be with someone who doesn’t have to love me. Someone who was willing to take me and pick me, not out of familial love, obligation, or guilt. And even though, not in the same way as last time, someone that simply has chosen to live their life along side mine. TB fulfilled that role. As he always does. While I hated to ask, it meant so, so much for him to be willing and to follow through. I held it together, until he prayed for me in the car before I went in. (Thank you so very much, TB [said both sarcastically and genuinely]) I cried a little bit in the car and then a little more while I was in the waiting room for an hour and a half. Both from the ache and sorrow inside, but also from the insight in his prayer, and just his love.
I am so glad to have it over with. I’ve put it off for a year. I couldn’t face it last summer when I was supposed to have it. I guess that the fact that I was able to force myself to do it now means I’ve made some progress, huh? Hopefully, the recovery will be smoother this time. But, if not, whatever. That’s life.
Through it all, I have been so blessed with a family that is imperfectly phenomenal and friends that somehow remain patient, loving, and my family by choice through all my melodrama and struggle. I don’t overlook these constant miracles in my life.
Black Coffee Tables
2 years ago