another step up

It has been a crazy few days. Not bad, but, oh my goodness. I’ve had so much I’ve wanted/needed to blog about, now that I’m doing it, everything is just assailing me and I don’t even know where to go.
I spent yesterday evening with a dear, dear friend that I hadn’t seen in months. He was really impressed/happy with how I seemed to him. We hadn’t really talked-talked since I was continuously breaking down. Of course, after an entire dinner of talking about what I’m focused on (writing, etc.) and how I feel numb and rather out of touch with my emotions and who I used to be, what happened almost immediately when we got home? He said some little comment about HWMNBN (nothing bad) and I was in tears, and everything rushed back. I was so mad with myself. However, I was able to pretty quickly shove it away and lock it up and function again. If I’m gonna be numb and removed, then I wish it would happen all the way.
The main thing I’ve been working on is something I swore I wouldn’t do. I’m going to self-publish the books on Amazon. However, I’m not considering it published. It’s not tattoo time. I am not going to slow down on contacting agents/publishers. However, I wanted/needed something in the in-between, while I wait. I need it to be a little more real. Hold the book in my hands. Have the opportunity for it to be purchased. Get more feedback. (Win the Lotto: have it be enough success like this that it catches the publishers’ attention! AND/OR generate enough profit [$2-5 a book] that I can stop some massage and really be a writer.)
I am supposed to get the proof next week and, if it meets my standards (meaning I didn’t mess up on anything—to have them do it for you is a minimum of three hundred bucks, so I didn’t go that route, obviously) then I should be able to have it available for purchase almost immediately.
When this happens, of course, I will be sending out mass emails announcing its availability. I feel like it’s a big step in the right direction. Like I’m calling it to me (Can’t believe I’m talking like that). I’ve actually been so jazzed about it, I’m having a hard time sleeping. This, unlike the other, is the dream I can work for, that I can do everything I can to bring into reality. That’s exciting.