Saturday, January 29, 2011

perfect storm

I’ve done my best to prepare for today without dwelling on it. I don’t think I’ve even mentioned it here, which says a lot. However, I am struggling so much today it’s ridiculous. I guess it’s just a perfect combination of things, each one making the other bigger than it would be on its own.
Today would have been our fourth anniversary. I almost texted him happy anniversary. Fucked up, right? Don’t worry, I’m not so out of it that I think that’s a good idea. I’d somehow convinced myself that I’d be okay today. Not sure what I was thinking. Okay. Enough on that or I’ll be crying even more.
The guy I’ve gone on several dates with, contacted me yesterday/today about not feeling like we are going to progress any further, but still wanting to get together if I was willing. (And, of course, I am. I was before, when I already knew.) This wasn’t news to me. I’d talked about it here, that I’d had the realization nothing was going to come of it. Still, one more rejection. Even if you know it’s coming, even if you know it’s right, it adds up.
One of my bff’s spent several hours with me last night talking about her marriage and how hard it is, and what a scary time they are facing in their relationship. Won’t go into details, not mine to share, but, wow…
Tattered Cover finally got back to me today, saying I’d need to submit them for review before they would place my books in their store. However, before they would, they need to meet certain qualifications. Mine meet them all, except that the price has to be printed on the cover. The printing job I received doesn’t have that as an option. One more impossible hoop.
And, I know this is ungrateful, and it belittles me to say it—I sound like I’m entitled or think I’m better than I am, but I can’t quite help it today. I’ve had four or five very, very support comments about my books this week. Three people have purchased some books. However, I emailed probably over 400 (?) friends and such. The people I have heard from, with the exception of one, are people I didn’t think would respond. None of the people I thought would be excited for me, supportive, or receptive have even acknowledged it at all.
I know, whiny, bitchy, weak, baby. I’m angry at myself even while I write this. Even so, a little pressure has been release by at least putting it out there, which is why I do this blog to begin with—to help my functioning.
Okay, gonna stop crying now, wipe my tears, and get the hell outta the house and go see my perfect nephew.
Tomorrow will be better.

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