So, it happened. HWMNBN is single again. And, no, I didn’t go snooping. I heard it in conversation with a friend. And, apparently, it isn’t news hot off the press.
This development, of course, has really thrown me for a loop. What doesn’t when this topic is concerned?
My first reaction was, “Great!” Made me happy. Not because I think he’ll come back. Just because it’s proof that he wasn’t as happy as he thought he’d be. And, if the time limit is any indicator, he was less happy with this guy than with me. I don’t think even six months. I win! (Not so much.) I know that is all very bitchy of me. You know what, I don’t care. If I want to be happy that the man who told me he loved me and said he was going to marry me didn’t find happiness with some [I just wrote a lot horrible adjectives there, not gonna do that] guy, fine by me.
The second reaction is the one that is messing me up. The one that is delusional. A few weeks after he left, he told me that he still couldn’t see spending his life with anyone but me and that he hoped he might be able to figure things out in a few years. Well, it will soon be two years… That fucked up part of my brain that thinks he might knock on the door or just come in (as if he still knows where his key even is).
In the sense that I’m afraid, if the delusions became reality, that he would just tear my heart out again, I don’t love him like I did before. In every other sense, however, I love him the same as always. I still feel like my husband is gone. Out there, less than five miles apart, but a billion miles away from me.
So, the goal for this week? Any time these feelings and thoughts pop up, smash them. Remind myself that he doesn’t love me at all. That he doesn’t want to spend his life with me. That he broke his promise. That to give any more tears in the form of hope is nothing more that being a pathetic, weak slug who can’t face reality.
Black Coffee Tables
1 year ago