Sunday, January 23, 2011


So, it happened. HWMNBN is single again. And, no, I didn’t go snooping. I heard it in conversation with a friend. And, apparently, it isn’t news hot off the press.
This development, of course, has really thrown me for a loop. What doesn’t when this topic is concerned?
My first reaction was, “Great!” Made me happy. Not because I think he’ll come back. Just because it’s proof that he wasn’t as happy as he thought he’d be. And, if the time limit is any indicator, he was less happy with this guy than with me. I don’t think even six months. I win! (Not so much.) I know that is all very bitchy of me. You know what, I don’t care. If I want to be happy that the man who told me he loved me and said he was going to marry me didn’t find happiness with some [I just wrote a lot horrible adjectives there, not gonna do that] guy, fine by me.
The second reaction is the one that is messing me up. The one that is delusional. A few weeks after he left, he told me that he still couldn’t see spending his life with anyone but me and that he hoped he might be able to figure things out in a few years. Well, it will soon be two years… That fucked up part of my brain that thinks he might knock on the door or just come in (as if he still knows where his key even is).
In the sense that I’m afraid, if the delusions became reality, that he would just tear my heart out again, I don’t love him like I did before. In every other sense, however, I love him the same as always. I still feel like my husband is gone. Out there, less than five miles apart, but a billion miles away from me.
So, the goal for this week? Any time these feelings and thoughts pop up, smash them. Remind myself that he doesn’t love me at all. That he doesn’t want to spend his life with me. That he broke his promise. That to give any more tears in the form of hope is nothing more that being a pathetic, weak slug who can’t face reality.


Avenjer said...

LOL! Don't worry, I'm doing enough laughing at Voldemort--oops--HWSNBN for the both of us. Ha! Got what he deserved. I think when you and I started chatting, I told you back then he wouldn't find happiness with this guy. And his dream relationship he wanted so badly---is over. I do wonder who dumped who though? My guess is Voldemort ended it (I'm liking that nickname better for him these days, seems more fitting. He doesn't know what the F he wants. He'll just flit from guy to guy, again and again. Never finding it. And never wake up. You just keep doing what you're doing B. Keep reminding yourself of all his bs, and the "stay away" vibe he gave from your birthday present. If he ever comes crawling back, send him straight to a therapist, cause he's got issues. And you don't need to be an emotional pawn in his "finding myself" game. Which I guess his latest bf has now become a new victim in his game. Anyway, enough about them. I'm liking all the book action you've got going this month B. It's a very good start to making it happen for you. At the very least it's all good experience and frees you to start new novel ideas while waiting to see what happens with these. And it's very freeing to release yourself from working on such a long term project---and everything that was connected to it to start on something new. Keep it up:) Lastly, be careful with any meds you're on. I have friends who take similar meds and it's never a good idea to go off meds on your own. Check with your doctor to make sure it's safe for you, and that it's done to minimize any bad reactions. Just want you to be safe B :) OH, and a shame about the big hunky guy and you not being a match. But at least maybe you can get him to give you (the massage therapist) a nice massage of your own for a change. But if you're completely done with him, please wrap him nicely in brown paper and put him on a plane to DC for me :) Later

Brandon said...

Thank you for that. Really. Thank you so much.
And, I check your site a couple taimes a day now. It's a little pathetic to be honest. (how much I check, not your blog...)