Friday, January 07, 2011

grasping fleeting thoughts

Just got back from ‘Country Strong.’ Very good. Although my friend and I both felt beat up after—too close to home in some ways at the moment.
I want to get something down while I’m thinking of it. Something I hadn’t even realized until I was talking to my friend about what he is going through. He turned to me and said, “I’m trying to figure out if I should keep hoping [hold onto hope] and keep hurting or just let it go.”
It brought me right back to where I was, where I stayed for so, so long. I fought so hard to hold onto hope that HWMNBN would return, to believe that he would remember his love for me, keep his promises. When I didn’t feel like I could hold onto hope any longer, I asked a friend to hold to it for me so that I could rest for bit [as stupid as that may sound], when I knew I wasn’t strong enough to keep it up. Maybe it’s kin to my upbringing of Faith, especially in regards to healing. If you have faith, the healing will happen. I’ve spoke of this before with my Grandma, it was the one time I truly had perfect, solid, immovable faith. She died. With him, if I gave up hope, (holding onto hope is perpetual pain, perpetual exhaustion), then I had condemned him to not returning, I’d condemned my love for me, I’d condemned what we had and could be again. By giving up hope, maybe I’d make it where I wouldn’t even want him to return. It seemed my friend is facing similar emotions.
Here’s what I said: I don’t believe that’s true. I no longer have any hope of HWMNBN returning. None. He will never look back. My hope for that is gone. However, if he did, I would take him back, still. I still want him to return.
Who knows, it may happen. I know it won’t, but life is fucked like that.
Although, now that I think of it, maybe the death of the hope was the death of the me I was, that I was blabbering on about earlier tonight. Maybe when that man gave up the last bit of hope, he committed suicide and I’m the man that was left. Of course, since I still wish he’d return (big difference between wishing and hoping), maybe not.

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