I just finished reading my blog from last January 1st—right after I tossed my White Russian Chai to the ground, staring at it stupidly before I could comprehend that it was my drink spreading out on the floor under the woman next to me. I was pretty surprised at what I had written last year. I was expecting it to be much darker than it actually was. I had somewhat of a positive attitude going into last year. Maybe because I was just so thrilled 2009 was dead. I definitely didn’t keep that positive attitude all year long.
I brought 2011 in with PCSDRL, which was the perfect decision. Good, good people to usher forth the new year. They stayed the night and we finished the last season of Project Runway. The rest of the day will be spent with Gavin. Oh, and everyone else too. We are going to Casa Bonita. It will be his first time. I know everyone hates their food. For good reason. It’s disgusting. However, I LOVE it! Even as I eat it, I am fully aware how gross it actually it—I don’t know if my true enjoyment of it is from memories as a kid or if it is my white-trash love affair with Velveeta.
So, this new year…what’s in store? No idea. As you may remember, I don’t do resolutions. But here are my hopes, two things:
1. That everything with Gavin will work out best for him—or that they will just give him to me!
2. That things will get better for my family. Period. The financial situation will get figured out, whatever way it will go, just so that there will be finality to it, the fear of the unknown will be over, and we can rest and heal together.
I also, would be willing to bet that by this time next year, there will be a book deal. I’m not doing the whole positive thinking thing or calling good things to me from out yonder. I simply plan on harassing everyone I can think of to get published. Surely I can wear someone down into saying yes.
I am not hoping or planning or requesting love. The only request I have in that area is that my heart will harden to the point where HWMNBN will have no resting place there any longer. That I will look at his face, be it in a picture or in passing (God-forbid) and not feel a damned thing. I hesitate to say this, but I would even welcome getting to the point where I think about our love, what we had, what I have gone through the past (nearly) two years now and think, “What’s the big deal, why all the drama, how stupid could I be, not worth a second of it!” I don’t care if those feelings will be true or not, I just want them there.
So, 2011, here we go…
Black Coffee Tables
1 year ago