All Over The Place

Most of the time, it seems when I am finally able to blog, my emotions are somewhat under control, even though it may not seem like it to the outside reader. Scary thought that I am a little more emotionally crazy than can be read on here, huh?

Seriously, I hate weekends. I hate them. Too much time to think, each Saturday marks another week he has chosen everything else buy me (five, now).

Today, my brother and I went to a coffee shop to read for a couple hours. His idea (I couldn’t believe it, he doesn’t read). I haven’t read since Chad left me, but my second favorite author (Kelly Armstrong) came out with her second installment of her young adult series, so we went and bought that and went to the coffee shop. It is about necromancers, werewolves, witches, demons, etc, so nothing that could really trigger any connections to Chad and me, and life at the moment. However, at some point, I dozed off. It was one of those that you know was no more than 5 seconds, if that. However, in those few seconds, I was with Chad. I’ve dreamed of him several times. This wasn’t that. When I’ve dreamed of him, I’ve always known it was a dream. In those few seconds, I was with him. We were in bed, I felt his chest on my face (I guess my face on his chest is more apt), felt his warmth, the familiar feel of our skin touching, could hear his breathing and the sound of his voice. Somehow, I was there. (Yes, I know I wasn’t actually there, but I was there.) When my eyes opened, I was confused. I was in a coffee shop, not with Chad. It was another second before I realized I really wasn’t with him and that things are like they are. I don’t know what brought it on or even how it happened. In one way it was wonderful, in the other, it was devastating to realize it all, all over again.

People keep telling me all these things, often unsolicited. They say he’s just confused that he will figure it out, they say that this is obviously who he is and he isn’t’ going to change, they say that this happened to lots of couples and they get together in a year or so and stay for life, they say that things will never be the same even if he comes back, they say he won’t change until I move on and he sees me happy with someone else, they say he is showing his true colors and he is showing me that I don’t want him anyway. They say a million other things. They don’t know. Neither do I. As much as I want to. I think Chad might know, but maybe not. I think he might go with the reason that he was trying so hard to be something he was not, something he thought I wanted him to be, and that he just didn’t have it in him anymore. Which makes me think he was miserable with me. Several people I have talked to would agree with this assessment. I don’t. I refuse to believe these certain choices are definitions of a person. They may be things a person enjoys or chooses, but they are not who they are or what defines them, and they are only that—choices. This sorta helps and sorta doesn’t. If they are choices, then by definition, he found these other things much more important and valuable and desirable than he does me.

Every day that goes by makes it feel like the past two plus years weren’t real, that they didn’t even happen, that I made them up. I hate that so much. I don’t want to loose those years, even if he never comes back. Even if I don’t get to be with that Chad again. Even if he continues to simply be in contact with me because he feels bad and wants to take care of me, not because he really wants to be with me or misses me.

I want to be held and kissed so badly, to be told that I am loved, to be loved. Of course, I want this from Chad. “They” have also told me that I can get this from other people (and there are other people I have found out recently that would actually mean these things), but what would the consequences of that be? And what could possibly substitute the best kisses of my life and being held by the man I love more than anyone else in my life, that wouldn’t leave me feeling more empty and even more alone and abandoned and rejected?