family?

After a rather horrible, yet nice evening (horrible because I was once again a wreck, nice because my friend AV had dinner with me and hung out after), I fell into an exhausted sleep, with very few dreams (just the way I like it). I woke up, of course, thinking of Chad, but instead of crying, I was able to simply pray a prayer of thanks for the time we were allowed to walk together, pray that God would watch over him, show his love to him, and that, if at all possible, our paths would merge once more.
I also decided yesterday that I am going to seek some help, go through my insurance and talk to a therapist. Things should at least be getting somewhat more manageable, not worse everyday, and I think I need to talk to someone before I crack. Everyone is telling me that part of the problem is that Chad and I still see each other. They also say that if there is any chance for him to come back, I need to cut it off so that he can experience life without me. I’m not completely sure what I feel about this, they may be right, but I love him and don’t want to not see him, and I don’t want to hurt him. I hate even thinking about it.
With the way I woke up, I had some hope that today might be a day I didn’t break down. On my way out the door, I pulled out the mail from the mail slot, so that more could get shoved in. On top was a bent card with Chad’s mom and dad listed as the return address. That, in and of itself, made me start to get teary. I opened it, the stupid thing got stuck in the envelope and I thought I was going to have to throw a fit to get it out. Finally, I got it out. Chad’s mom (although both she and her husband’s name were on it) had sent me a very sweet birthday card. Of course, I lost it on the couch for several minutes, Dolan at my feet, my constant companion in tears lately. It means so much to me that they would not only remember, but care enough to still send me good thoughts. It is one more area of hurt and confusion for me. Similar to Chad and I, Chad’s family and I on paper don’t make much sense. We have a lot of the same background, but are so very different. However, I love, love his mom and dad. We visited them several times, stayed the weekend, they came and saw us. Just as I saw Chad as the man I would spend my life with, I saw his folks as my in-laws, as the people who would be my family one day. And, unlike most people, I was very happy about that fact. They are wonderful. They are one more thing I have lost. One more thing I don’t understand. How can all the puzzle pieces that really didn’t look like they should have fit together, but did, now be separate? I’d like to think it means that the pieces are destined to return together. I know better. I still have a small bit of hope for one day, but I know better. And, yes, they are one more thing I have lost, but they are also one more wonderful thing I was allowed to have.