One Month

Last night was the worst night I have had yet, which is strange. Today is the 18th, so it marks exactly a month since he left, but I don’t think that is the reason for the difficulty last night. Sleeping has been surprisingly easy (at least compared to the rest of the time). I am normally exhausted before I go to bed, so that helps, and I literally surround myself with pillows on every side, it’s almost like sleeping next to him. At one o’clock last night, my reminder went off on my phone. I guess I set it for one AM, instead of PM. I thought it was my alarm to wake me up for work, so I jumped out of bed, not believing that my six hours of sleep went so fast. Then I realized what was going on. It washed over me how alone I am. It was like my insides imploded and caved in on themselves. It was all I could do to not run away from the house. How doesn’t he miss me like that? How does he not long for the life we had? I know I’ve said it a million times, but I just can’t grasp it. How do I experience such happiness and contentment, and he feels so desperate to leave that he can just walk away from all we had, all we planned, and all we were, and seemingly never look back?