cut in half yet doubled

I rushed home to give a massage right after work today. About half way through, it was all I could do to not break down. I almost ended the massage. (The client couldn’t tell, luckily, eyes are closed during massages.) Everything just came crashing down once again. Partly the music, which I still have not been able to listen to music, but massage music is the worst. I made a playlist of massage music ages and ages ago, music that is soft but still new and fun (Colbie, Mandy, Bebo, Kelly Sweet, etc.), a lot of it is music that Chad and I enjoyed together, so that didn’t help. The other part, the heavier part was realizing yet again where my life is. When Chad moved in, I refinanced to pay off some credit card debt, and other bills, which made my monthly payment go up (I would have had to do it if Chad had moved in or not, so I didn’t discuss it with him then, it wasn’t and isn’t his responsibility), but I wasn’t worried about it, because I knew Chad was going to help with the mortgage, and I wasn’t questioning if we would last. So, now, I am once again, a single income family (yes, if you have dogs and fish, you count as a family), and I am forced to open the massage business once again, which I hate doing, but it is the most financially practical option, especially if I still want to pursue writing and keep my house. The whole thing just makes me feel so alone and abandoned by the one I thought I was going to share my life with. Realizing just how much I need the money (doubly so after the car wreck and I will somehow have to also save enough to buy a junker at some point before school starts again next fall) allowed me to suck it up, finish the massage and not break down until after.

The whole experience is making me feel really old and that I am going to continue to end up at square one. I also am accepting that no matter how I cut it, I am just fully rejected. Sure maybe he really did need to leave so he could grow up and experience whatever it is he needed to. Still, the bottom line is that all the other stuff was more important than his love for me, more important than our life together, and more important than my love for him. I’m tired, and I’m weaker than I though I was.