Conflicted

I don’t know if the weekends are worse, or if I have to pay for several days for actually having a mostly decent day on Friday or what, but today was horrible, again. From beginning to end. I have been all over the place today, emotionally. I think part of me is slipping back into shock or something. I just don’t get it. I think I do, that he needed space, he needed to find himself again, he needed to just be Chad. I get it. Then I don’t. More and more I don’t. I know everything wasn’t perfect, but no relationship is, and to me, it was close enough. Is it truly possible for one person to be completely content and satisfied, happy, and deeply in love with someone when the other person isn’t? How could I have felt so secure, so safe, so loved and in love, if he didn’t feel the same? It makes me question everything over the past two plus years. Which I can’t stand. However, when I do question it, and really look at it, it makes even less sense. I can’t believe he was faking or simply trying to make himself feel that way. It couldn’t have been faked. However, if it wasn’t faked, then why did I get thrown away? Why did the time we had together and the future we could have had together get thrown away? And if it was real, then how can he not miss me now? Why is he not miserable and aching to see and be with me like I am with him? So many people have said to me that I am so great and any guy would be so lucky and thrilled to be with me. Very sweet, but really? The evidence is not leaning in that direction. I don’t understand how I could be so happy and him be so not. All I wanted was for him to be happy, for us to be happy. I still just want him to be happy. However, it crushes me that I am not part of his happiness when he is such a huge, huge part of mine.