Breaking Point

Yesterday was the best day I had had in the two weeks. I only got a little teary once and I was able to look at the good things, the two wonderful years together, how we still love and respect each other, how I get to see him soon, all my friends, family, puppies… Today, however, was nearly as bad as the first two or three days. Maybe because it was exactly two weeks today (although it feels soooo much longer), although I tried not to think about that. I went up to Estes to help my folks with stuff, and it was so painful. Then tonight, I went to TH’s birthday party. It was my first ‘outing’ with a group of people. I thought I was doing pretty good. I only had to go to the bathroom once to cry. However, the minute I left, I broke, and I stayed completely broken for over an hour. Wasn’t sure if I was going to get it back together or not. It was not pretty. Thank you, KE for letting me text you instead of texting things that would not be smart. (Don’t ever text broken-hearted.)

Part of me has felt guilty because when MM left me three years ago, I was a wreck for nine months, I couldn’t sleep in my bed, I couldn’t be around people, etc. And that relationship was only two months long. With Chad, I have been sleeping in our bed still, I cry a lot, but, for the most part, I am functioning. I am a lot more sane. In a weird way, I felt like I owed a breakdown to Chad, not MM. However, the more I think about it, I think it is really the other way around. Although my pain was real back then, it was kind of a teenager pain. This is grown up pain, and so, so much worse. Being strong enough to handle it in some ways almost makes it harder, because I can see so clearly most of what is going on. Our relationship was/is so real. And for me, I looked at our relationship as permanent. I can see clearly what we had and what we lost. Being thankful for all we had (and for how we are with each other now) is what is carrying me through (along with a small [at times miniscule] amount of hope that he will return in the future).

I know I want to spend my life with someone. With just one person. And, I know if Chad doesn’t come back that another person will come along. That knowledge doesn’t help so much. Chad ALWAYS made me feel safe and loved. He ALWAYS made me laugh. And there was NEVER a moment when I was with him that I wanted to be with anyone else, being with him felt like home, pure and simple. Most of you know that I have a pretty active and free imagination. I can not picture experiencing that with another person. Sure, there are others out there who would be more similar to me than Chad was, others that would look better on paper than Chad and I did, but I have never experienced the happiness and satisfaction I had with Chad with anyone else (lover or friend), and, while I don’t believe in The One, I’m not convinced that a relationship like we had comes around more than once a lifetime.