I start to think that I am making progress, and then I realize that I’m not moving at all. I had a great day hiking with KE and CP. We hiked six miles and before that I did five miles at the gym. All of this should have guaranteed and a good mind space (exercise, endorphins, etc.). However, I got to mom and dad’s and broke down for a few hours. Broke down. Partly, although wonderful to see KE and CP be so cute and sweet together, they were Chad’s and my couple to go do things with. They were also making plans to simply go out to dinner (or eat in, the couldn’t decided) and watch TV for a relaxing evening at home. That was always one of my favorite times with Chad, simply being together. I knew he was at his house just watching TV and ordering pizza (facebook means that there is no privacy), after going out a few times for Memorial Day weekend. My question is this: What is he experiencing that is so much different without me that makes it so great? I never made him not go out, I know how to sit at watch TV and order pizza. Really? What is he doing that makes him so much happier without me in his life? How did living with me make his so miserable that he had to run away? I am so thankful for my parents, but it was hard today, knowing that Chad was doing what we normally would do to draw the weekend to a close, and here I was watching the Bachelorette with my folks. I really couldn’t feel much more pathetic and unlovable. I also can’t figure out what I did to chase away the man I love. With my other breakup before this one (not that they are comparable), I knew exactly why he left and what I did wrong. Here, I can’t figure it out.
On a different, yet similar note, it always amazes me the people who read my blog that aren’t close friends. A few of these people have contacted me and we have become ‘computer friends.’ One such friend wrote me an email today. He has gone out of his way to show me compassion, let me know he is praying for me, and making sure he tells me that I am not alone. Here is a portion of his email that really hit me today:
“I wanted to let you know.. even though you're going through a very rough time.. that I'm envious of you. I'm the type of person who totally wants the type of relationship you had with Chad. It may surprise you to know that I've never had a boyfriend. No one has taken that kind of interest in me before.. you know gay men, they always have their excuses.. . Anyway, I just want you to know that even though things may be rough, you've experienced a lot more than some of us. So I hope you will see that as a positive thing. There are many of us who would have loved to have been in your shoes, even if it was just for two years, with aspirations for more.”
He really should be envious. I am not completely sure that I am going to get through this with my sanity intact or my heart is less than a thousand pieces, but I am holding to the fact that I got to live the two best years of my life so far with Chad. True, it makes it that much more confusing and painful, and at times it feels like it didn’t happened, but it did. I experienced more love, more happiness, more contentment than I dreamed I could. To make it even more confusing, one of my straight girlfriends told me again, just this past Friday, that even though Chad left me, our relationship was the best she has ever seen (of any relationship, not just gay) and gives her hope for herself. So, I am grateful, blessed, and thankful. I just wish I could understand what Chad was doing and why he is happier without me.
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