Birthday dinner with Chad finished a couple hours ago. We went to the Rio and then to see UP in 3D. (Tonight would have been our two year four month anniversary, btw. It is also the first time we have gotten together since he left me that we haven’t had a definite plan/date to get together again, so that is hard as well.) He gave me lavish gifts, blew my mind. It was very, very, very sweet of him, and not needed, but I know he was trying to show me how much he loves me. Of course, they weren’t what I wanted for my birthday, but I guess the love he can give me is better than no love from him at all. I don’t know why he isn’t in love with me any more, and I don’t understand why he can turn his back on the life we had together, and why he doesn’t want me, but he truly is a wonderful, kind, loving, amazing man. Again, I have to say how blessed and thankful I am for the time I got to be with him.
Up was great (a few parts were too cheesy, but still fun). Spoiler ahead—The old man of the movie is the way he is because of the death of his wife. The first part of the movie shows them growing up together, getting married, learning they can’t have children, loving each other, and her dying. It showed them as kids dreaming of taking adventures together, specifically, wanting to go to a waterfall in South America. His wife (as a little girl) had an adventure book to document her adventures. She had a special place for her main adventure, which she left blank for when she/them went to the live by the waterfall. They never got to go, he bought tickets for them right before she died. Thus, he takes off on the adventure (with their house) because he promised her they would go—he spoke to her throughout the movie like she was still with him. At the end of the movie, he looks back in her adventure book that he finds. He is saddened when he gets to the section she saved for their adventure to South America. However, as he turns the pages, expecting to see blank page after blank page, he finds she had documented their life together, each step they took together. On the last page, he finds a hand-written note from her: “Thank you for the amazing adventure. Now go have more of your own.”
I had been pretty proud of myself. I looked better than I have in a couple years. I fit into my favorite pair of Lucky jeans (size 31), wore a $400 pair of boots Chad gave me our first Christmas together and a shirt he gave me this last Christmas, and of course, the tattoo, that he helped finish for my 30th birthday. I really looked great (and so did he, truly!), and that helped. I was able to stay ‘happy and cheerful’ the whole time (except for some tears when I opened his presents and was blown away). However, during the movie, there were three or four parts I sobbed. I know people see themselves wherever they possibly can, but I couldn’t help correlate the movie with what I want. I simply want to live my life out with Chad, for us to have our own everyday adventures together, simply living life. He is the man I have chosen, the man I have deemed worthy enough to give my life too. There are not words to express how painful it is that he does not feel the same, especially after the years and all the love we have shared. The movie also made me sob for thinking of having to go through what the old man did. I am barely handling Chad leaving me. How could I possibly handle the death of the person I grow old with, if I get the gift of having someone to grow old with?
Oh, and now there are forty-five more minutes until I turn thirty-one. I can’t wait until this is over.
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