Taking a step, maybe forward, maybe backward

I am doing something I never thought I would do, and I don’t feel great about it, but I think I have to. I am going to pick up some anti-depressant medicine in a couple hours. My doctor cleared me for some when I called yesterday about getting a therapist. At the time, I told him no, but something has to give. Plus, the therapist I called can’t get me in until the ninth of June. I don’t think I can make it that long without some help. I left him a message to try to beg him to fit me in sooner. We’ll see if it works.

Also, in facing my weakness, and I don’t know why I feel the need to confess this on here, but I do, I really just want someone to come and hold me at night, make the pain a little less. I’d like to say that I’d like someone to kiss me too. However, that is my favorite thing in the world, and Chad was the best kisser I have ever had, and I don’t think I’m ready to not be able to say that he was the last one to kiss me. I know it wouldn’t replace Chad (I don’t want it to), and I know it might even make me feel worse to have someone in my bed holding me when I would have to admit even more that it wasn’t Chad there holding me like he used to. Plus, then there’s the whole thing of what if I fell into a rebound relationship that I didn’t really want that would hurt me later and the other person and make it where Chad couldn’t feel comfortable to come back (oh, didn’t hear the memo? Yeah, he’s coming back in two weeks! Oh, wait. . . ). One of my dear friends told me that I need to learn how to be hard-hearted. Not to shut off the hurt of Chad, but to shut off worrying about hurting someone else by asking them to love me for a moment. The whole thing sounds wrong, to whoever the other person would be, to show respect for Chad, and for myself. But I really do just want to be held, have another warm body by me when I sleep, and to be held again when I remember that warm body isn’t the body of the man I love.

I guess if that little vomit session didn’t show that it’s a good time for meds, nothing will. . .

Again, please keep me in your prayers. (Chad too, of course.) Pray for some relief of this, some strength and wisdom, and for me to truly be able to live up to my favorite verse (Job 13:15 [I think]—Though You slay me I will trust You.) so that I really can trust God that He is doing what is best for both of us, whether He sees fit to bring us back together or if we are meant to walk only side by side instead of hand in hand.