everywhichway

I only broke once today. That’s a pretty good day, right? I was jumbled today. I went back and forth between being angry and feeling like the last two years didn’t really happened. Which, in and of itself, makes me angry. They were the best years of my life thus far, I don’t want to feel like they didn’t happen! The anger is such a confusing emotion as well. I understand completely what Chad is going through, and I don’t at all. He says he needs to grow up and find himself. I feel like I grew up with Chad. Actually, because of Chad. Well over a year ago, I was internally freaking out about our relationship, if I could really have a relationship that I could commit to for a lifetime. It is a scary thing. I wrestled with it for quite awhile, unsure of how to figure it out, but knowing that I needed to or I would risk truly hurting him later on. It came down to this: Could I see myself without Chad? Would I like my life better without him/with someone else/alone? The answer was a resounding, No! My life was better with Chad. From then on, how I saw him changed. He wasn’t my boyfriend. He was the man I had chosen to spend my life with, and we were in the beginning phases of our life together, figuring things out, preparing for the next stage. Now, to have the whole thing turned where Chad was battling the same questions and have him choose the different response is agonizing. And, I wonder why I wasn’t enough for him to choose to see me they way I chose to see him? Why his life wasn’t better with me in it? He’s twenty-seven. That ain’t a baby. However, at that same age, I wouldn’t have been able to face that decision either.

Today the thing that hurts the most is that I constantly want to tell him how much I love him. Not to try to get him back. I have never loved someone else so deeply and completely as I love him. It feels like that love should be expressed (and it has been) all the time. Of course, I know that would not be wise or fair to do to him. Still, it takes all I have to not express how much he is loved by me. My prayer all day has been that God would show him how much He loves him. That Chad would feel surrounded by love. It sounds strange, but it is hard for me to imagine God loving Chad as much as I do. Of course, I know he loves Chad much more than I would ever be capable of. In some small way, it gives me solace to know that there is someone out there, someone much stronger and capable than me, who loves Chad and desires Chad. I can give Chad over to God knowing that he is loved beyond all else. Of course, it is only moments before I wrestle him back from God and then have to do it all over again.

And for myself. . . in church today, the preacher said the best prayer we can ever pray is simply, “Help Me!” So, that is my prayer, “Father, love Chad and help him feel how precious he is, and please, please, help me!”