question

I just got home from another Wednesday night with Chad. We went to dinner and then to the movies to watch Angels and Demons (much better than the Davinci Code). Of course it was a balanced mixture of pleasure and pain to be with him. I don’t understand how he can be with me and be ok with me dropping him off at the house where he is staying instead of returning to be with me at our home.

Here’s my question. One that I don’t want an actual answer from anyone, but it is still my question. How long before I am supposed to shut him out of my heart? Not that I could, but still. Not that I want to. The vast majority of people are telling me that I need to quit seeing him, quit talking to him, quit thinking about him. Here is what people don’t get. Yes, he was my boyfriend, but he was not my boyfriend. We lived together for a long time. We talked about plans for years into the future. He was the man I planned on spending my life with. To me, he was my husband. So, excuse for not cutting him out. Excuse me for wanting the man I love most, my best friend, to still be in my life. I know that he is not coming back, or I think I do. Obviously some part me still thinks he might, otherwise I wouldn’t be crushed every day that he doesn’t choose again. How do you shrug your shoulders and say, ‘Huh, that didn’t work out, must not have been the one. I wonder who is?’

Bottom line: I love Chad. I have no question that I would choose (that I do choose) him to build a life with. I think he loves me too, still. He doesn’t choose me. Maybe because I’ve never been good at math, I don’t add it up right, but to me I should allow my heart to stay true to the man it chose. I never faked how much I loved him. Why would I fake now that I don’t?