countdown

May 1st. May. A month that I have always loved and hated. It marks the beginning of summer vacation (typically something that makes me happier than nearly anything else in the world—not so much this year, it scares), and it also is the month of my birthday (wonderful when I was a little kid, rather awful since I was a teen). For most of you that know me, your probably know that I HATE my birthday—there almost always seems to be something bad that happens (car wreck, moving 1,00 miles away, getting really sick, having surgery, etc). The exceptions have been the last two with Chad. My 29th was great: calm, no calamity, just love, easy. Last year, my 30th, was one of the best moments of my life. Chad and KE worked together to plan and surprise weekend in Breckenridge at a tiny mountain ‘castle’. I don’t believe there is any way to ever top it, nor do I need it to be. It was one of the few times in life where every moment is engrained in your head, and it will never fade. It meant so much to see all my friends had done and how much time and preparation Chad spent getting it ready (especially since I know how such things are not his favorite thing to do). Needless to say, I felt the ‘birthday curse’ was over. He gave me the best birthday of my life and one of my favorite life memories. After that, I told him I was done, at least for ten years. No more big parties, I was satisfied, just little dinners, etc. This year, we were planning on going out to cheap dinner with a very small group of friends, then going to the Imax to see UP, then come back to our house and play board and video games. It, too, sounded like a perfect birthday.
Now, here we are, and I couldn’t dread my birthday any more than I do. If I could pass out for a week on either side and forget it happened, I would do it in a heartbeat. How do you go from THE BEST birthday imaginable with the man you love more than you thought possible, to a birthday where all you will feel is the absence of what you had so securely 365 days ago? I don’t want a party. I don’t want to be with a lot of people. Right now, I don’t want to be with any, but that might change. I hope that I can focus on how much I have been given and allowed to have and experience, and how much I have right now: Friends, Family, Puppies, Words, and even if I don’t have Chad, I know I still have his love, which means so much. So pray that I will be overcome by all I have and have had, not by what I have lost. I hated to see it turn into May today.