not the final

Ok, so I must say, some of you are actually praying for me—or at least I think I can feel the effect—even if it is a placebo, and you really aren’t praying for me. However I choose to believe the former. The past two days have been decent. Of course, the kids have been nightmares at work (not a bit of an exaggeration), and that helps me not have time to get all weepy, and I have been looking forward to getting to see Chad tonight, too, so that helps. Tonight was the finale of Top Model, so I assumed that we wouldn’t see each other again for a bit. However, he brought up getting together next week to watch Grey’s or something. I was floored, and he is taking me to dinner and a movie for my birthday on the day before my birthday in two weeks. (Not a date, just dinner and movie.) So that is all great too. True, it is a painful reminder of how much has changed in a year since my last birthday, but still. I have to be grateful for what I do have. Although I hate how absolutely okay he is when he sees me, how excited he is about everyday life (like concerts and such), and how it is obvious that he is not tempted at all to kiss me when we are together [all of which is a torment, and all of which I simply can not, for the life of me, understand], I am still thankful that he loves me and actually wants to spend time with me. Which means, at some level, he likes his life better with me in it, even if it is not how I want to be in it. Several people have mentioned that they find it strange and a bit inviting of pain that we still see each other and talk. Chad has not had people say that to him, but plenty have to me. It’s like I told him tonight, it hurts if I do see him. It hurts if I don’t see him. To me, the math is pretty simple to add up. Both hurt. Only one lets me see my best friend and the man I love. Duh! Plus, he’s worth the pain. Others have told me I need to cut him off, not only for my sanity but so that he will have a chance to miss me and create a desire to come back. Well, I guess if I was guaranteed for that to work, I would do it. However, I don’t want to play games with him and I don’t want to be anything but honest with him. And, if my choices are not have him as a boyfriend and not in my life at all, or not have him as a boyfriend and have him in my life on his terms, I choose the latter. I am sure the anvil will fall on my heart and head in the next day or too, but for now, once again, I am taking solace in the fact that I know he still loves and cares for me, that he still wants me in his life, and that I love getting to see him and talk with him, and be in the presence of the person I hold most dear. For now, it is a relief to give thanks for the amazing years I got to live my life with him, for the fact he still cares, for the glimmer of hope buried under all my shit that he may come back to me one day, and for the simple gift of him being in this world, and that I have experienced enough love and importance, that I get the gift of pain.