this day

One week from today I will be out of school, summer will have started, Chad will take me to dinner and a movie for my birthday and then have me drop him off at his place and contentedly walk away, I will turn thirty-one the next day, and I will truly have to look at where my life is without being able to be distracted by work. I am dreading it, and needing it. I am scared to death of having eleven weeks off (which is crazy since I’ve looked forward to it all year) to really feel the absence of Chad, to have to face that he isn’t going to choose me. However, I am desperate to get out of here since I can barely function at work, and I am excited to attempt to loose myself in my writing and try to find my sanity (or however much I had) once again.
I was hoping to have a friend from out of town stay with me tonight and tomorrow. It wasn’t set in stone and was spur of the moment, but I really had my hopes up. I was really looking forward to having someone in the house, even for a little bit, someone that was excited to see me. However, I got a text yesterday that he already had lodging plans, so my place wouldn’t be needed, but that we would still get together some time Saturday. I know it is just where my mind goes these days, but it felt like another rejection (obviously, one that doesn’t matter, or even is real), and I couldn’t help feel my insides crush a bit more as I thought, ‘of course you don’t wanna be with me, join the club, I hear membership is cheap and the benefits are great.’ And, yes, I know I sound like a whinny brat or Eyore or some other poor-pitiful-me character. You’re the one reading this, I’m not making you. Maybe you should join the club. I hear there’s a discounted induction fee for new members this weekend. Table for bitter, party of one.
On a happy note, my Harry Potter CD’s are still working (I love hearing them again, one of the few moments that I can enjoy breathing) and I even started reading the first novel to my kids yesterday. (Yes, this is the kind of teacher I am. Hey, kids, let’s start Harry Potter. What? You love Harry Potter? Wow! Me too! Nope not gonna finish in two more days. You have to go home to families that don’t read to you and never get to hear Harry Potter again. Don’t worry, we’ll get to at least the seventh chapter before I leave you. You know, just about the time he moves into the castle and you think life will be great and magically forever! See ya, have a great summer. Won’t think of you again!)